


Still You

by mansikka



Series: Filling In The Gaps [40]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Light Angst, M/M, Sad Magnus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 09:33:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14713559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: Magnus tries to get used to not having his magic





	Still You

**Author's Note:**

> Hello :) this is a snapshot, sort of, for after 3x10. It kind of fits in this series but can be taken as separate as well.
> 
> I live in blissful, willful, perpetual ignorance about the show's timeline. In that, I'm sure Magnus will have his magic back in about 17 minutes and 6 seconds in real time, but that by then no less than 48 episodes will have aired... while Magic Clary saves the world approximately 18 times with minimal training. Not that I'm bitter about a single thing, of course...

"Can you take some time away?" Magnus says in greeting the moment Alec returns home from the Institute, looking up and accepting a kiss as Alec sits and leans in. Their coffee table is overflowing with notes and brochures, and his tablet is bookmarked with several pages. He's spent an entire afternoon looking up locations for a vacation, desperate to get away from New York.

"Uh… sure?"

"What do you think?" Magnus says, holding up a brochure. "Two weeks in the Algarve? Skiing in Bariloche? A relaxing, indulgent break in Hawaii? Tahiti? Bora Bora? I hear the beaches are excellent; it's one of the few places I haven't seen yet, and—"

"Magnus," Alec says, throwing his arm around him and dragging Magnus' tablet into his lap, "we'll go anywhere you want. Any time you want. If you're ready."

"Oh, I am ready for a vacation—"

"Magnus—"

"I don't think I ever fully appreciated what it meant to be _stir crazy_ ," he adds, thumbing open a page he was looking at earlier about some cocktails he's never even heard of and now wants to try.

" _Magnus_ —"

"And this," Magnus says, waving his fingers so Alec can see the new shade of nail polish he walked halfway across the city to buy just for something to do, and took an hour to apply for how many times he smudged it. "This might be my new favorite."

"They're beautiful. Like always," Alec says, grabbing and kissing his hand, turning a little more towards him and looking full of such concern Magnus wants to wrench himself away.

"Alexander," he says eventually knowing he can't avoid the subject forever, and swallowing hard for the thickening in his throat for unshed tears. "I feel so lost. I feel so… I am trying to find myself. And I _can't_."

"You're still you, Magnus," Alec tells him gently, pushing the tablet back on to the couch as Magnus' tears begin to fall, "you're still you."

Magnus allows himself to be cradled, sure he's never going to get used to being just _this_.

"You're still you," Alec says as he catches his eye in the mirror, smiling softly as Magnus removes his makeup by hand.

"You're still you," he whispers when Magnus returns from buying them coffee, finishing setting up their breakfast table on the balcony and kissing his shoulder in passing as he ducks back inside.

"You're still you," Alec tells him when they watch Catarina and Madzie playing with their magic, lacing their fingers together and squeezing, as Magnus begs the despair he's feeling to pass.

"Still you," he promises, any time Magnus tries to use magic for all the mundane things in their lives, and can't.

Magnus forgot there was a laundry detergent that makes his skin itch if he touches it, and that his arms grow tired mixing difficult potions when he has to stir them himself. That the corners of the duvet never lay quite precisely enough without a good shake before fastening it. And that grocery shopping is much less fun for carrying home instead of magicking it there; even if the act of shopping he can still enjoy almost as much as before.

But Alec is insistent on reminding him about every little thing that makes him _him_. Listening harder than ever to all his stories and anecdotes. Hands smoothed over carefully pressed shirts. Kisses over fingertips adorned with polish applied by hand. And happily looking up restaurants around New York that they haven't yet tried when his magic can't take them to Paris, or Lisbon, or any of the places that they used to like to eat.

Magnus only has to say he feels like Lebanese food, or Moroccan, or mention some dish that he's sure they won't find here in New York, and Alec is searching for it. Magnus always knew Alec was resourceful. But sometimes he suggests the most outlandish things just to test him for this new discovery of his ability to find him _everything_ he wants. Laughing in disbelief every time he hears him making a dinner reservation that he thought was impossible, or groaning around a mouthful of food that Alec's managed to seek out and pick up on the way home.

"You're still you," Alec tells Magnus, beaming with pride across his desk in the Institute as he takes his advice on some difficult wording of the Accords to prevent a fallout among the warlocks in the city. He's proving a point, using Magnus' knowledge to his full advantage to both resolve a problem, and quietly hint to Magnus about all the parts that are still _him_. Magnus loves him for it; he only flinches for a second when a snap of his fingers doesn't close Alec's office door, instead walking over to close and lock it by hand. Then walking back to straddle and sit in Alec's lap.

"Dammit. Definitely still you," Alec huffs, tiredly slapping his hand against the training room floor for Magnus to know to let him up. Magnus sits back just enough to give him room to roll over then laughs as Alec uses that to his advantage. Alec kneels up after pinning him down by the wrist, first sneaking his hand beneath his shirt then stroking up his arms and squeezing over his biceps with an appreciative hum. Magnus aches for their sparring, but it's the good kind of ache, and the glint in Alec's eye promises further aches that he'll appreciate when they get home.

"Still you," Alec mutters half under his breath barely containing a smile, as they leave a store Magnus buys potion supplies in and make their way down the street. Magnus is contrite. He didn't mean to lose his temper with the store owner, correct them on the proper way to store several new ingredients they're now stocking, or argue quite so hard over the cost. Alec looks up and nudges into his side in affection, slipping his arm around Magnus' back as he does the same to him.

"You're still you," Alec says, sticking his nose in the back of Magnus' hair as he brews them up a batch of their favorite sandalwood shampoo.

"You're still you," he tells him, half-distracted as Magnus leads him through a difficult dance step, laughing at himself when he stumbles and trips over his own feet.

"Still you," he whispers, when they're in a theater watching a film without subtitles, and Magnus is translating every word Alec doesn't understand.

" _Magnus_ ," Alec calls out, arching beneath him as they move together in their bed, his hands sweeping familiar paths over his skin, their bodies fitting together as perfectly as they have done since the beginning. He _is_ still him, Magnus thinks, seeking out all the points of pleasure in Alec as he always has done, knowing instinctively every one.

"You're still you," Luke says with a burst of raucous laughter as they sit down together to eat and Magnus questions the waiter on their choices of wine.

"Magnus, you're still you," Raphael tells him when he visits him in the loft, asking for advice Magnus doesn't think is needed, but he appreciates being asked for all the same.

"You're still you," Izzy tells him in affection as the two of them pour over a magazine in Alec's office waiting for him to return from a meeting. This summer collection is exquisite; Magnus can't help but be excited by all he's seeing on the page as he imagines ways to recreate some of it. Izzy surprises him with a kiss to his cheek, and the pleased smile on Alec's face when he walks in that very moment tells Magnus that nothing has changed.

"Magnus. You're still you. He loves you," Jace tells him as he holds Magnus back from charging across the infirmary when Alec gets injured on a mission he was insistent about going on. Magnus never feels as helpless as he does when he can't use magic to heal. But Alec catches his eye and smiles tiredly in reassurance, holding his gaze even as a medic tends to his wounds.

Magnus vows to take care of Alec in any way he can once he gets him home, gives Jace a stiff nod when he loosens his grip on him to let him go. Kisses Alec hard even when surrounded by medics, and Shadowhunters, and the general chaos he recognizes from a mission that's gone wrong. Alec sags against him in relief, reaching out for his hand as a cut on his arm is dressed.

So much _has_ changed, Magnus thinks, going over the past few months getting used to having no magic. He's lost an essence that is him, lost a part of himself that for so long has been the only thing other people are interested in about him, for all he used to be able to do.

Everything takes longer, and more effort, and he can't be nearly as spontaneous as he was before. Sometimes it feels like it's going to take years to get used to all the parts of him he can no longer reach, and the ones that are now more prominent for not having magic to mask. But _he_ is still there. Even on the days when it's difficult to cope with all that he's lost. Even in the moments he forgets and is left in despair.

"Well, hello," he says when Alec walks in, offering him a martini before he can even reply.

"Thanks. And hi," Alec replies, stepping closer and wrapping his arm around him as he takes the glass. Magnus leans against him and tilts his chin up for a kiss.

"Did you have a good day?"

"Pretty good, yeah. Too many meetings. And we got this blade back from a patrol that… I've got no idea how the hell it got so bent out of shape. But yeah, pretty good."

"Well, good," Magnus says, clinking their glasses together before grabbing Alec's hand and tugging him through to the kitchen. "I thought I would try making paella. Of course, it isn't quite traditional, and some of the herbs and spices are going to be very different. But I think it should be good."

"Smells amazing," Alec agrees as he follows him, wrapping his arms around his waist and kissing his shoulder as Magnus checks the pan.

"Want to try some?"

"Of course."

Magnus spins back around and snatches up a spoon, holding it up to Alec's mouth for him to try.

"Magnus," Alec says, smiling, "it's perfect."

"Shall we eat outside? I think I only need a few more minutes."

"I'll set the table," Alec says, leaning in for another kiss before disappearing.

Magnus knows his routine, knows he'll be washing up and changing clothes before coming back through, relaxing in that way Magnus finds makes _him_ feel at home.

So much has changed, and yet so much has stayed exactly the same. The way they move around one another getting ready for dinner, and the easy conversation they slip into about their days. The news they catch each other up on from their friends and family; if Magnus doesn't think about it in moments like this it feels like nothing has changed at all.

Alec's love and support have been unconditional throughout all of this, as has that of all the other people Magnus loves and knows. But this journey he's going through is one he has to deal with so much of himself. He's slowly finding himself in it, in moments like this one when he shares a meal with Alec, and conversations he has with Luke about the Downworld he's adamant he's still a part of. Magnus can acknowledge now that this is something that will take time; even if time is something he has so much less of now.

"Something's different," Alec tells him after when they've cleaned up and returned to the balcony with a bottle of wine.

"Oh?"

"You," Alec says, kissing his temple, and squeezing Magnus closer into his side.

"Me?"

"Yes, Magnus," Alec says, smiling a little as he lingers another kiss. "You seem… I don't know. More peaceful. More… settled than you did, even yesterday."

Magnus went for a walk today. Several hours of aimless wandering through city parks and gardens and sprawling department stores. He had lunch in a cafe he's never even noticed around the corner from their apartment, and bought fruit from a market he had to use the subway to get to, and from.

His _adventures_ may be closer to home now, and there isn't a day when he isn't reminded of the magic he's lost. Magnus can't honestly say that if his father were to return and offer his magic back with no consequences for it, that he wouldn't take it in a heartbeat. But this is who and where he is in his life currently. Through the people around him and difficult conversations with himself, Magnus is learning that there is more to him than just _magic_.

"I'm still me," he says, not knowing how else to explain this revelation to Alec, who has proved how much he loves him no matter who he is, or what he has to give.

Alec doesn't say a thing. Just ducks a little to lean in and kiss him, turning into Magnus' side a little more in that way he does that Magnus knows means he plans to take his time over this. Magnus takes Alec's glass and sets both down on the floor, pulling Alec closer, and sneaking a hand beneath his shirt.


End file.
